Hi everyone,
I've decided I would like to share my story about battling through an eating disorder and recovering from an eating disorder, and also my journey and continuing battle through anxiety and depression. I'm hoping this blog will encourage others to get help, and just to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
How it began..
It started when during primary school and through to year 9 in secondary school I got bullied or pushed out of a group.
I never had much confidence in myself and I had very low esteem, I didn't enjoy school for many reasons, bullying being the main reason. I never knew why I got bullied but one thing I do know is that it has made me a stronger person today.
In year 9 everything changed, it was in the spring 2010 that I decided to move secondary schools due to feeling left out amongst my friends, what i know now but didn't then was I was actually suffering from depression which may have made me a little more sensitive and paranoid.
Things started of well in the new school but little by little things began to change. When it came to meal times I started to leave some food on the side of my plate everyday. I didn't think too much into it at this stage but my mum had realised something was up and would try and make me eat more, but I would refuse to eat anymore and say I was full even though I actually wasn't.
One day things started changing, I was hardly eating lunch at school, I would lie to my parents about how much I was eating, I would spit stuff out into tissue and throw food away without eating it. There was this one really slim girl in my class at school and I would always look at her and wish I looked that slim, I was jealous of her body.
One night I just danced in my bedroom for a hour, I wouldn't stop, every night I would make sure I would dance for an hour, then I would do sit ups and press ups. It started of with 50 sit ups/press ups each night then went up to 100, everyday the number went up. It was impossible to stop, if I didn't do any kind of exercise I would instantly feel guilty and I would get voices in my head telling me "you're fat, you need to loose weight" and so on. It got to the point where this voice was bullying me and wouldn't leave me alone. I would listen to the voice and I started to believe I was fat. I looked at myself each day in the mirror and felt so fat and ugly, I would sometimes punch myself in the stomach because I felt so disgusted at myself.
Then one day I just stopped eating, I thought anything I put in my mouth would put weight on me I even thought fruit would put weight on me.
I would feed my little sister up instead of me, it got to the point that my sister had to go to stay with my Grandmother for a bit because I got too much. It was tearing our family apart slowly.
Deep down I really hated seeing the effect it had on the people I loved the most.
One day my parents both came to my room to speak to me about the worries they had about me, I could see tears in both of their eyes and it made me upset. My mum turned to me and said, "we think you might have a eating disorder" I broke down in tears I didn't realise how bad the situation was and I didn't want to believe it.
My parents booked me in to see a Doctor, he spoke to me and asked me questions about food, back then food was the enemy to me. He got me to write a food diary with everything that I ate in it so he could work out how many calories I was taking in. The Doctor weighed me and said I was underweight and needed to put it on, in my head I didn't want to put it on I wanted to loose more and more weight.
I was under 8 stone but wanted to be even lighter than that.
I showed the doctor my food diary i had been keeping and when he read it he realised I was hardly eating as I was only managing to drink slim fast shakes because I would refuse to eat anything else. That was the day he referred me to a adolescent unit a hour away from home.
A few weeks after I was referred , I had an appointment there to see the main Dr at the unit which was Dr Glaze. My parents came with me to the appointment, I was scared and nervous because I didn't want to admit to myself I had a problem let alone anyone else.
That day when I saw Doctor Glaze he told me but I would need to become an impatient which i found really scary as I was still only 14.
The day I had to say good bye to my mum and be pulled from her screaming and crying was the worst day of my life.
That day I had a choice of getting better or a choice to give up and die.
To begin with getting better wasn't what I did or even what I wanted to do,but I did eventually choose to get better, and better is what I got.
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