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I am sorry that I haven't been updating my blog recently, at the moment I am struggling so I am taking a bit of a break from doing my blog but will be back soon.

Gem x

The devil

Hey guys sorry I haven't updated my blog recently, I have been really busy with work and have started a counselling course at college.

Food to me at that point was the devil, I couldn't look at any kind of food because it would make me feel really anxious and annoyed inside. It was like I saw red every time I would see food infront of me or if anyone tried to give me food. The ana (anorexia) would make me think everyone around me were trying to feed me up,which I at that stage started to believe. It made me fall out with my family as I would have the ana inside my head telling me they were trying to make me fat. I would start feeding my sister all the time which made myself feel better as I wouldn't be eating but made others eat. All of that caused me and my sister to argue all the time, at one point my sister had to go to stay with my nain for a few days. Back then I didn't realise how bad I was and how much stress I was putting on my family.

Ana (anorexia) is an evil illness, it manages to isolate you from everyone close to where your most important relationship is with food. All I would ever think about was food, weight and calories. It was all an obsession, but then I didn't realise as I thought it was normal. Now I realise that it wasn't healthy to be thinking all of that. Everyday I would have anorexic thoughts in my head, calling me fat and stopping me from eating. Some days I would be so hungry but I would stop myself from eating as I would get anorexic thoughts and voices, sometimes I would cry it all got too much. Anorexia didn't just ruin my life it also ruined my family, but it also affected my body.

Some of my side effects whilst going through anorexia:

• Periods stopped
• More sensitive to the cold
• Fatigue 
• Bowel problems

When suffering with anorexia or any other eating disorder you might feel good about being thin and not think about the damage it does to your body. I know when I suffered with it I didn't think of all the damage it was doing to my body, all I could think about was weight loss and making ana proud. 

Before getting ill with anorexia I wouldn't care about the calories or how much I would eat, but when I got ill I would be feeling guilty every time after eating or even thinking of eating. Sometimes it feels like you are trapped and nobody can save you, ana is in your head calling you names and pulling you further down. Looking back now the eating disorder isolates you from your loved ones, so it just has you to itself. I isolated myself from my family, I would hide in my room away from everyone and would just be thinking about food, weight, exercise and calories. I found it all so hard at times and wouldn't know what to do. 

Going into the unit was the best thing I did, because I don't know where I would be now if I didn't get the help I did. Any kind of eating disorders are scary and hard to fight but I promise anyone going through one or someone who has to see someone close to them go through an eating disorder it will and does get better in time. At first I didn't want to get better, but eventually I started to want to life again and wanted to get better. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep fighting and stay positive to anyone who is suffering from an eating disorder and is reading this.

Any questions or if anyone just wants to speak e-mail me:

 recoveryleadstopositivity@outlook.com

Thank you for reading 

Gem x

Ups and downs

The first year of being out of the unit was tough but I got through it. I had counselling every week, to discuss how I was doing and how I was feeling. I also had to be weighed every time I went so they could keep an eye on my weight. Every time they would say well done or tell me I'm looking good just made me feel like I was getting bigger, I still struggled with putting weight on. I told the doctors that I wanted to maintain my weight rather than gain, to this day it still panics me if I see my weight going up. My mum was told to hide the scales from me as I was obsessed with taking my weight. Sometimes now my mum will hide the scales from me as I still always check my weight, I still have issues with my body. I find it hard to enjoy what I am eating because I will feel guilty and start worrying that I have put on loads of weight. There were times in school I would compare myself to girls, I would be so jealous of how skinny they were.

I was put on a low dose of citalopram as my mood and the way I was feeling about myself got quite low. I'd never tell my friends how things were going as I felt ashamed and embarrassed. Most of my friends would be seeing boys or if we went out to under 17 night club events they would go with a boy. Sometimes I would feel so ugly as some boys would come to my friends and just blank me, I always felt like a freak and just not good enough. It did get me down, but I never truly showed it to my friends. All way through different secondary schools boys would be horrible to me and call me names. I did loose a lot of confidence through school as I was bullied from primary through to secondary school.

 It was coming up to nearly two years out of the unit and I was doing well with my eating, I would have my ups and downs. Sometimes after meals I would make myself sick because I felt so guilty for eating.There would also be days I would go without eating but I would pull myself together and force myself to eat,after being in the unit I learnt what anorexia does to your body. To this day I worry I have ruined my body, and always hope I will be able to have children. Anorexia can ruin your life, even when you recover you can still be left with different illnesses caused by anorexia as it damages inside of your body. After having anorexia I suffered with bowl problems, which anorexia can also cause. When you are really ill with a eating disorder you don't think of all the affects the illnesses can cause to your body then and in the future. All you can think about is loosing weight and skipping meals, you wonder why everyone around you is getting so frustrated. The reason is because they know all the issues anorexia/bulimia can cause. I am grateful I got help from the doctors, nurses and dietitians in the unit, I honestly don't know where I would be right now if I didn't get the help. At the time when you are so ill, you don't see the point of getting help but when you are slowly getting better you realise the point of getting help. It is a scary move admitting you have a problem and need help, but it is also a brave move.

There will be good days and there will be bad days but you have to believe in yourself.

Gem x

Looking back at the tough times

I think I have mentioned somewhere in my blog that I have a box full of diaries and cards from when I was at my worst with anorexia. I have taken a few photos of my the first food diary I had to keep.

On days where I am finding things hard I always go through my box to see how far I have came, which makes me feel positive and shows me I will get through the bad days. Sometimes I do get a little emotional reading letters and cards from family and friends, reading through my diaries and seeing how unhappy and ill I was.

Below are some photos from my first food diary:

I remember pulling down all my posters, back then I thought the singers on the posters where looking at me. The feeling was horrible, I felt like I was being watched and the voices in my head would make it all worse. Looking back now the voices in my head were like a bully, they scared me and made me cry. There would be nights I wouldn't sleep at all, because there would be voices in my head telling me I am fat, need to exercise and that bad things would happen. I remember one night I woke my mum up in tears I was so scared and just wanted to sleep. Everyday would be the same with voices in my head all day and all night. Things would get so bad sometimes I would look in the mirror and hit my belly.

Below are photos of a few pages of where I wrote down what I would eat each day for my doctor to see. The photos below show where it all started to get worse, to where I was going down from food to just slim fast milkshakes as that was the only thing my mum could get down me to keep me going. Also I wrote down how much exercise I would do, it is shocking to see how many sit ups and start jumps I would do. At that stage I started to get really tired and weak, I would feel the cold more and would get dizzy spells. It was horrible feeling so weak, I had no energy but I would still do exercise which didn't help looking back now.

Below is a paragraph I found that I wrote about how I felt, it shows how much control the anorexia and voices in my head had over me.

I wanted to share this paragraph as when I was really ill with anorexia I was scared people would think I was mad or stupid that I was hearing voices and having so many thoughts. i also thought I was the only one hearing voices and having horrible thoughts. So I want to show people who may be suffering from a eating disorder that most people with eating disorders will be having thoughts and voices in their head too. If anyone wants to speak my email is on my blog and I have wrote it on this page.I am here to listen and help, don't ever feel ashamed about speaking out. Sometimes it is better to let it out but I know it isn't easy as I found it hard to speak out. 

My e-mail address: recoveryleadstopositivity@outlook.com

Thank you for reading, I will post again tomorrow evening 

Gem x

Difficult times in the unit

Few weeks after being ill with pneumonia I started struggling and picking up new tricks from other patients. At that point I no longer wanted to get better, I had lost hope. Knowing I had put on weight had started to get to me, I really didn't want to put anymore weight on.

Every meal time started to get harder, I would start to take my time eating again. I would start crying because I didn't want to eat and was scared. The nurses would sit and watch me eat, I hid food in my mouth but the nurses caught me out and would take me back to the dining room to swallow the food. My mum was informed that I was struggling and picking up new tricks from patients. She told me if I carried on she would take me out of the unit and get me better at home.

Days would past by where I would wish I wasn't alive, I would rather die than eat. I banged my head several times, a bruise appeared on my forehead. My mum was not happy and knew I was copying other patients. It took a while for the bruise to go down, below is a photo of me in the unit a few days after i bruised my head. The photo was taken by another patient, that day I was going on holiday with my family as the doctors and my mum thought it would do me good to get away from the unit.

I didn't want to go on holiday but my mum wanted me to go as I was picking up tricks from other patients. All throughout the holiday I just kept to myself and pushed my family away. Today I can see that I ruined that holiday as I was difficult and nobody could really relax. Before I used to love going on family holidays, but back then I didn't enjoy the holiday. I just wanted to go back to the unit I wanted to hide away. I remember having loads of arguments with members of the family, nobody could understand why I didn't want to get better anymore. Deep down I was drained from everything, I was tired of pretending everything would get better. The photo shows me smiling but that smile hid a lot of emotions, I felt trapped in my own body. The holiday was nearly over and I was excited to get back to the unit, looking back now it wasn't healthy how excited it was to go back to the unit.

I arrived back at the unit, from that day things got worse.


Visit my blog again tomorrow to read the next part of my blog.