Looking back at the tough times

I think I have mentioned somewhere in my blog that I have a box full of diaries and cards from when I was at my worst with anorexia. I have taken a few photos of my the first food diary I had to keep.

On days where I am finding things hard I always go through my box to see how far I have came, which makes me feel positive and shows me I will get through the bad days. Sometimes I do get a little emotional reading letters and cards from family and friends, reading through my diaries and seeing how unhappy and ill I was.

Below are some photos from my first food diary:

I remember pulling down all my posters, back then I thought the singers on the posters where looking at me. The feeling was horrible, I felt like I was being watched and the voices in my head would make it all worse. Looking back now the voices in my head were like a bully, they scared me and made me cry. There would be nights I wouldn't sleep at all, because there would be voices in my head telling me I am fat, need to exercise and that bad things would happen. I remember one night I woke my mum up in tears I was so scared and just wanted to sleep. Everyday would be the same with voices in my head all day and all night. Things would get so bad sometimes I would look in the mirror and hit my belly.

Below are photos of a few pages of where I wrote down what I would eat each day for my doctor to see. The photos below show where it all started to get worse, to where I was going down from food to just slim fast milkshakes as that was the only thing my mum could get down me to keep me going. Also I wrote down how much exercise I would do, it is shocking to see how many sit ups and start jumps I would do. At that stage I started to get really tired and weak, I would feel the cold more and would get dizzy spells. It was horrible feeling so weak, I had no energy but I would still do exercise which didn't help looking back now.

Below is a paragraph I found that I wrote about how I felt, it shows how much control the anorexia and voices in my head had over me.

I wanted to share this paragraph as when I was really ill with anorexia I was scared people would think I was mad or stupid that I was hearing voices and having so many thoughts. i also thought I was the only one hearing voices and having horrible thoughts. So I want to show people who may be suffering from a eating disorder that most people with eating disorders will be having thoughts and voices in their head too. If anyone wants to speak my email is on my blog and I have wrote it on this page.I am here to listen and help, don't ever feel ashamed about speaking out. Sometimes it is better to let it out but I know it isn't easy as I found it hard to speak out. 

My e-mail address: recoveryleadstopositivity@outlook.com

Thank you for reading, I will post again tomorrow evening 

Gem x