Friday 22 September 2017

Ups and downs

The first year of being out of the unit was tough but I got through it. I had counselling every week, to discuss how I was doing and how I was feeling. I also had to be weighed every time I went so they could keep an eye on my weight. Every time they would say well done or tell me I'm looking good just made me feel like I was getting bigger, I still struggled with putting weight on. I told the doctors that I wanted to maintain my weight rather than gain, to this day it still panics me if I see my weight going up. My mum was told to hide the scales from me as I was obsessed with taking my weight. Sometimes now my mum will hide the scales from me as I still always check my weight, I still have issues with my body. I find it hard to enjoy what I am eating because I will feel guilty and start worrying that I have put on loads of weight. There were times in school I would compare myself to girls, I would be so jealous of how skinny they were.

I was put on a low dose of citalopram as my mood and the way I was feeling about myself got quite low. I'd never tell my friends how things were going as I felt ashamed and embarrassed. Most of my friends would be seeing boys or if we went out to under 17 night club events they would go with a boy. Sometimes I would feel so ugly as some boys would come to my friends and just blank me, I always felt like a freak and just not good enough. It did get me down, but I never truly showed it to my friends. All way through different secondary schools boys would be horrible to me and call me names. I did loose a lot of confidence through school as I was bullied from primary through to secondary school.

 It was coming up to nearly two years out of the unit and I was doing well with my eating, I would have my ups and downs. Sometimes after meals I would make myself sick because I felt so guilty for eating.There would also be days I would go without eating but I would pull myself together and force myself to eat,after being in the unit I learnt what anorexia does to your body. To this day I worry I have ruined my body, and always hope I will be able to have children. Anorexia can ruin your life, even when you recover you can still be left with different illnesses caused by anorexia as it damages inside of your body. After having anorexia I suffered with bowl problems, which anorexia can also cause. When you are really ill with a eating disorder you don't think of all the affects the illnesses can cause to your body then and in the future. All you can think about is loosing weight and skipping meals, you wonder why everyone around you is getting so frustrated. The reason is because they know all the issues anorexia/bulimia can cause. I am grateful I got help from the doctors, nurses and dietitians in the unit, I honestly don't know where I would be right now if I didn't get the help. At the time when you are so ill, you don't see the point of getting help but when you are slowly getting better you realise the point of getting help. It is a scary move admitting you have a problem and need help, but it is also a brave move.

There will be good days and there will be bad days but you have to believe in yourself.

Gem x


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