Little steps

Being such a young age and in a unit was very scary. I would get very home sick and want to go home, there was a time I tried to make my mum ask if I could become a outpatient but the doctors wouldn't let me. I had several hard times there, times where I wanted to get better and other times where I didn't want to get better. At times when I saw my weight going up I would start to panic which would make me anxious about getting better. Still to this day I panic if I see I am putting on weight but I know how to deal with it a lot better. When you are recovering and your weight goes up quick it is scary and you think you are getting fat but I have learnt you're not. The doctors and nurses know how it works and they just want to get you up to a health weight and for you to maintain, but when you have anorexic thoughts in your head it is harder to believe. Now I can see it clearer what the doctors and nurses where doing when they were helping me put on weight. It does seem you put weight on quickly but it is only because you have starved your body for so long. I did find it hard to cope with at first, but I sat down with the dietitian and told her how I felt about my weight. She told me they wanted me at a healthy weight before they would put me on a meal plan to maintain my weight.

As I was getting better I would feel excited about meal times, as I was really hungry. When I was face to face with the food I panicked, but I managed to learn how to cope with it. My family would sometimes have to come in for a meal practice. So I would get used to eating with them as a family again.

Above are a few photos of some pages from my diary that I kept when I was in the unit. As you can see I had my good days and I had my bad days. There would be days I was happy I put on weight so I could go home for the weekend and then there were time I wasn't so happy. In the unit if I did well with eating and put on a bit of weight or maintained the doctors would let me go home for the night then they would increase the stay if it went well. Also every time you maintained or put on weight you were allowed a to do some exercise for a certain amount of time. I have scribbled out my weight in the photo in my diary as I don't want someone who is in recovery or is suffering from a eating disorder to compare as I know that's something I would do a lot with people when I was ill.
Recovery isn't easy, you get your good and bad days. With the support of my family and all the staff in the unit I got through the bad days. It was hard in the unit especially when I was away from my family but it was for the best.

Everyday I would receive cards and letters through the post which helped me see there were people out there who cared about me and wanted me better. Receiving letters and cards from my family where the best part of my day as it would cheer me up and give me hope, my little sister would always send me pictures she drew or little letters which made me smile a lot. Looking back at them now they make me smile and cry happy tears, to see how far I have got and to see how supportive and caring my family were and still are. To read back over the letters my sister wrote are emotional as she was at such a young age writing them but would write such lovely and positive things to me.

Below is a photo of some of the cards, letters and pictures I would receive from family members and family friends.

Thank you for reading, feed back would be great. To keep up to date with my blog press the follow button😋

Contact: recoveryleadstopositivity@outlook.com

Gemma

x

The devil

Hey guys sorry I haven't updated my blog recently, I have been really busy with work and have started a counselling course at college.

Food to me at that point was the devil, I couldn't look at any kind of food because it would make me feel really anxious and annoyed inside. It was like I saw red every time I would see food infront of me or if anyone tried to give me food. The ana (anorexia) would make me think everyone around me were trying to feed me up,which I at that stage started to believe. It made me fall out with my family as I would have the ana inside my head telling me they were trying to make me fat. I would start feeding my sister all the time which made myself feel better as I wouldn't be eating but made others eat. All of that caused me and my sister to argue all the time, at one point my sister had to go to stay with my nain for a few days. Back then I didn't realise how bad I was and how much stress I was putting on my family.

Ana (anorexia) is an evil illness, it manages to isolate you from everyone close to where your most important relationship is with food. All I would ever think about was food, weight and calories. It was all an obsession, but then I didn't realise as I thought it was normal. Now I realise that it wasn't healthy to be thinking all of that. Everyday I would have anorexic thoughts in my head, calling me fat and stopping me from eating. Some days I would be so hungry but I would stop myself from eating as I would get anorexic thoughts and voices, sometimes I would cry it all got too much. Anorexia didn't just ruin my life it also ruined my family, but it also affected my body.

Some of my side effects whilst going through anorexia:

• Periods stopped
• More sensitive to the cold
• Fatigue 
• Bowel problems

When suffering with anorexia or any other eating disorder you might feel good about being thin and not think about the damage it does to your body. I know when I suffered with it I didn't think of all the damage it was doing to my body, all I could think about was weight loss and making ana proud. 

Before getting ill with anorexia I wouldn't care about the calories or how much I would eat, but when I got ill I would be feeling guilty every time after eating or even thinking of eating. Sometimes it feels like you are trapped and nobody can save you, ana is in your head calling you names and pulling you further down. Looking back now the eating disorder isolates you from your loved ones, so it just has you to itself. I isolated myself from my family, I would hide in my room away from everyone and would just be thinking about food, weight, exercise and calories. I found it all so hard at times and wouldn't know what to do. 

Going into the unit was the best thing I did, because I don't know where I would be now if I didn't get the help I did. Any kind of eating disorders are scary and hard to fight but I promise anyone going through one or someone who has to see someone close to them go through an eating disorder it will and does get better in time. At first I didn't want to get better, but eventually I started to want to life again and wanted to get better. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep fighting and stay positive to anyone who is suffering from an eating disorder and is reading this.

Any questions or if anyone just wants to speak e-mail me:

 recoveryleadstopositivity@outlook.com

Thank you for reading 

Gem x

Flashbacks

On this page I am going to go into more detail about my experience with anorexia and some stuff could be triggering for people currently battling through eating disorders or those who are in recovery. If you find it too much just skip the page.

As a child I loved food and loved baking, but as I got older my relationship with food changed. I always remember how everything started when I got ill. Sometimes I would get so hungry in school but at the same time I would feel guilty, I would eat a cake but I would always spit it out in tissues. The feeling of guilt would hit me as soon as food went into my mouth. At the start I would eat but spit things out straight away and throw them in the bin, I would start cutting my meals down and leaving food on the side of my plate. I didn't tell anyone about how I was feeling towards food, I kept it all to myself until my mum confronted me. My mum would drop me off at school sometimes and I would start crying because I wouldn't want to leave her, she would pick me up at lunch times and take me for lunch to make sure I had lunch. I started leaving more food every week that passed by, I was loosing my energy and would fall asleep in lessons.

I remember my family were out and I decided to go running in the rain so I could loose weight. I didn't care about the weather all I cared about was losing weight, that's how bad the anorexia had got. I would be constantly doing some kind of exercise and I was obsessed with it. Nobody knew how much control the voice in my head had over me, every time I would try to eat the voice would be there telling me 'you are fat, don't eat'. The voice would be with me all day and night, every time before bed I would be doing exercises, I wouldn't stop until the voice in my head would go. The voice in my head was like a bully, controlling your life and making you think things that aren't true. I would always look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusting, but everyone around me would tell me I was not fat. The voice in my head disagreed and would make me think that everyone was trying to make me fat. It was so hard at such a young age, I believed the voice in my head and I started to hate food. My mum would want to make me food but I would flip out and run to my room because I didn't want anything, my mum did get frustrated with me at times but that's what the anorexia wanted for me to fall out with everyone close to me. I did isolate myself from everyone and keep myself in my room, at one point I couldn't watch television when food programmes or food adverts were on. I found it too hard to look at food, even the smell of it made me feel sick. My taste buds all changed, I couldn't drink tea at one point as I thought it tasted horrible. I would weigh myself everyday,the numbers would scare me at times. My mum had to hide the scales from me at one point as weighing myself became a obsession. There was a point where I would wear a certain hoodie and jeans, I would live in them as they were baggy on me and I couldn't wear anything tight.

My periods stopped a few months after I stopped eating, but in my head I was happy because it showed I was losing weight. But now looking back I can see how dangerous it was and that I am lucky to be here today. It was scary not having periods, I didn't have any for over a year. When I was recovering they started back and I was happy when they did.

Anorexia or bulimia breaks families, it is hard on the person with the eating disorder but it is also really hard on the family. As I know that it caused many problems in my family, I remember my dad having to force feed me a banana but I wouldn't take it. He got really frustrated, I could see he was upset and I didn't want that. My mum would be crying, my siblings would also be frustrated of why I wasn't eating. They all helped me at my worst and I will always be grateful to them.

I hate having flashbacks of everything that happened, but sometimes it makes me a stronger person. It has also made me realise how far I have came over the past few years.

Gem x

Looking back at the tough times

I think I have mentioned somewhere in my blog that I have a box full of diaries and cards from when I was at my worst with anorexia. I have taken a few photos of my the first food diary I had to keep.

On days where I am finding things hard I always go through my box to see how far I have came, which makes me feel positive and shows me I will get through the bad days. Sometimes I do get a little emotional reading letters and cards from family and friends, reading through my diaries and seeing how unhappy and ill I was.

Below are some photos from my first food diary:

I remember pulling down all my posters, back then I thought the singers on the posters where looking at me. The feeling was horrible, I felt like I was being watched and the voices in my head would make it all worse. Looking back now the voices in my head were like a bully, they scared me and made me cry. There would be nights I wouldn't sleep at all, because there would be voices in my head telling me I am fat, need to exercise and that bad things would happen. I remember one night I woke my mum up in tears I was so scared and just wanted to sleep. Everyday would be the same with voices in my head all day and all night. Things would get so bad sometimes I would look in the mirror and hit my belly.

Below are photos of a few pages of where I wrote down what I would eat each day for my doctor to see. The photos below show where it all started to get worse, to where I was going down from food to just slim fast milkshakes as that was the only thing my mum could get down me to keep me going. Also I wrote down how much exercise I would do, it is shocking to see how many sit ups and start jumps I would do. At that stage I started to get really tired and weak, I would feel the cold more and would get dizzy spells. It was horrible feeling so weak, I had no energy but I would still do exercise which didn't help looking back now.

Below is a paragraph I found that I wrote about how I felt, it shows how much control the anorexia and voices in my head had over me.

I wanted to share this paragraph as when I was really ill with anorexia I was scared people would think I was mad or stupid that I was hearing voices and having so many thoughts. i also thought I was the only one hearing voices and having horrible thoughts. So I want to show people who may be suffering from a eating disorder that most people with eating disorders will be having thoughts and voices in their head too. If anyone wants to speak my email is on my blog and I have wrote it on this page.I am here to listen and help, don't ever feel ashamed about speaking out. Sometimes it is better to let it out but I know it isn't easy as I found it hard to speak out. 

My e-mail address: recoveryleadstopositivity@outlook.com

Thank you for reading, I will post again tomorrow evening 

Gem x

I am back

Hi guys sorry I haven't been up to date with the blog as I've had a few things going on but that's all sorted,so I am back to carry on telling my story about recovering and dealing with anorexia and depression.

The start of 2012 was much better than 2011, I was happier and was doing well. I started speaking to a boy near the end of 2011, and was still speaking to him coming into 2012. We had been speaking for a while, I never met up with him but we would video chat. He was the first boy I had properly spoken to.

A few months passed I didn't know where I stood with this boy as I found out he was speaking to other girls, I was really upset and felt so stupid. Even though I confronted him he would still talk to me but then he started going out with a girl which hurt me. From there I started going down hill, I became really depressed and would start cutting my arm again.(I will be going into more detail about my depression and how I coped further into my blog) I just had enough of everything, most of my friends were in relationships and I was getting messed around. Sometimes I would look at myself in the mirror and think how ugly I was and how fat I looked. I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling, I pretended like everything was fine. I moved on from that boy and just had fun with my friends.

Summer 2012
Me and my family travelled to Italy, we stayed over in London first then caught the euro-star to France. We stayed in France for three nights, then moved onto Switzerland. I was quite car sick for most of the journey but managed to sleep some of it. After spending three nights in Switzerland we travelled up to Italy, we were all excited to get there and to be in the sun.
After hours of travelling we finally arrived at euro-camp in Italy. I was so happy to be away and in the sun, I managed to forget most things and relaxed. I remember me and my three siblings learnt how to make pasta from fresh, which was quite hard to do but we all enjoyed it. Travelling to Italy was one of my best holidays and I will always remember the memories.

I did have a few ups and downs through out the holiday but I managed to get through it and enjoy time with my family. At one point  was anxious about wearing a bikini, but we weren't allowed to wear tops in the pool. I pushed myself to wear my bikini, it was hard but I did it. It was hard walking around in a bikini at start, I would hold my belly as I felt so conscious and would think everyone was looking.

Everything was so different that summer compared to the last one, I managed to eat what I liked and enjoyed it. I felt like I was finally in control not the anorexia and voices. My life was finally getting back on track. The two weeks flew by in Italy, we had a long travel home with stops in Switzerland and France for a night or two. Arriving home was nice, as I missed being in contact with my friends and had a few days left of summer to enjoy with my friends.

My next post will be tomorrow evening I promise
Gem x

The end of 2011

September 2011
This month was my next big step, the day I started at my new school. I was excited but nervous at the same time, the teachers introduced me to a girl in my registration class. She was really nice and showed me where to go, I recognized a few people that I went to primary school with. At that point I was quite anxious to go to them incase they didn't recognize me. The first day went well, I made a few friends and got on well with the teachers.


Few months went by and I was really enjoying school, I had came off my meal plan in that time. At first I found it difficult because I had a routine and ate certain food. It was hard eating normally again as I was anxious about putting on weight. I had told nobody in school about my past as I was scared they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. Eventually I told the girls I was friends with and they were very supportive. There was a time in school that I struggled to eat and left some but my friend noticed and made sure I ate it all. After eating all of the meal I felt really guilty and anxious, but that passed.


I did a lot with my friends out side of school which I hadn't done in years, as I isolated myself from everyone. My family were really happy about my progress and were happy I was socializing with friends. 


Christmas 2011
I broke up for the Christmas holidays, it was my first Christmas after recovering. The Christmas before wasn't enjoyable as I was watching what I ate and didn't enjoy the Christmas dinner. That year I was looking forward to being able to eat Christmas dinner. Christmas day arrived, I was looking forward to spending it with my family and enjoying it . We sat down for dinner and I managed to eat it all and I enjoyed it. After a bit I did feel a bit guilty but I fought through those anorexic thoughts. It was a good Christmas, I had my struggles but I got through them with the help of my family.


New Years Eve 2011
I was so happy that New Years Eve arrived, I couldn't wait to say goodbye to 2011.
2011 was a difficult year for me and my family, but we all got through it together. Going through anorexia was very difficult not just for me but for my family too. It affected them a lot, there were times I would feed my little sister up and compare myself to her. Which did ruin our relationship at the time, the anorexia came between me and my family. They all stuck by my side and helped me get through it, I couldn't have done it without all their support.


I celebrated with my family, we all managed to stay up till midnight and see in the new year.We were all happy to see the back of that year, I was excited to start fresh in 2012.


I will be going more into detail about the way anorexia affected me physically and mentally, and how it affected my family. Further into my blog I will be going into my battle and continuing battle with depression and anxiety.


That's all for today but make sure to come back tomorrow evening to read how I began 2012.

The new plan

After just over three months of being an inpatient in the unit my parents decided to take me out of there as I wasn't getting any better and was picking up tricks. It was difficult getting better at home, I found it easier to get away with stuff. I would weigh myself every time my family went out and I would exercise in my bedroom when everyone was asleep.

I remember feeling so low that I didn't want to live anymore, I thought of ending my life but the thing that stopped me was my family. I couldn't think of putting them through that. Sometimes I would get so low I would harm myself, I would get something sharp and cut my arm where nobody could see. At that point it just got me through the hard times. I knew people would say stuff if they saw the scars so I would wear long sleeved tops most of the time. My mum took me to CAMHS (child adolescent mental health services) to see my counsellor Doctor Ing, I admitted to self harming and that I was struggling. The Doctor increased my dosage of antidepressants as he could see I wasn't doing so well.

Few weeks passed by I started to think positive again and wanted to get better,as I could see it was ruining our family and because I wanted a life again. My mum and Dr Ing decided to get in touch with the unit to see if there was any chance of me becoming an outpatient. The unit agreed, I was happy and determined to get better. Everyday I would go into the unit for 9 and leave at 4, I was still following my meal plan from the unit. All my food had to get weighed as I was on a having a certain amount of calories. It got to the point where I was scared to come off the meal plan and start eating normal again. The nurses would talk me through it all and told me it would take time but I would get there. I felt like there was light at the end of the tunnel, I was ready to fight anorexia.

I remember sitting down with Doctor Glaze and my mum, I asked him 'when will I be free from anorexia?' I didn't get the answer I wanted he replied 'I am afraid anorexia will always be with you deep inside just it will be easier to control, you will have good and bad days'. Back then I didn't really understand what he meant by it will always be with me.

Now I do understand what he meant, as everyday I overthink about what i ate in the day, some days I will watch what I eat and other days I won't.I get my struggles still but I always fight through them, I will never really have a healthy relationship with food like I used to before I got ill. The anorexia or anorexic thoughts will always be with me but I have learnt to be strong and fight them.

I was getting better being a outpatient in the unit, the next step was going back to secondary school. As I couldn't just stay at home, so me and my mum had a meeting with the headmaster in the school I was going to attend. We discussed everything with him, and decided I would start school in September. There was mixed emotions about going back to school but I was also excited. Everyone at the unit was proud of me and of how far I came.

After just under a year of being in and out of the unit, 31st of August 2011 was my last day at the unit as a patient. My next big step was taking control without help of doctors and nurses.

There are no photos of me when my anorexia was at its worst as I didn't really like taking photos back then but below are some photos of me throughout my recovery.

           

All feedback is appreciated and make sure to spread the word about this blog if you know anyone who may find this blog useful. To stay up to date with all my posts and keep track of my story, be sure to follow me on Google Plus.

I am away tomorrow but check out my blog Monday evening to read the next part of my story.