Thursday 28 September 2017

Flashbacks

On this page I am going to go into more detail about my experience with anorexia and some stuff could be triggering for people currently battling through eating disorders or those who are in recovery. If you find it too much just skip the page.

As a child I loved food and loved baking, but as I got older my relationship with food changed. I always remember how everything started when I got ill. Sometimes I would get so hungry in school but at the same time I would feel guilty, I would eat a cake but I would always spit it out in tissues. The feeling of guilt would hit me as soon as food went into my mouth. At the start I would eat but spit things out straight away and throw them in the bin, I would start cutting my meals down and leaving food on the side of my plate. I didn't tell anyone about how I was feeling towards food, I kept it all to myself until my mum confronted me. My mum would drop me off at school sometimes and I would start crying because I wouldn't want to leave her, she would pick me up at lunch times and take me for lunch to make sure I had lunch. I started leaving more food every week that passed by, I was loosing my energy and would fall asleep in lessons.

I remember my family were out and I decided to go running in the rain so I could loose weight. I didn't care about the weather all I cared about was losing weight, that's how bad the anorexia had got. I would be constantly doing some kind of exercise and I was obsessed with it. Nobody knew how much control the voice in my head had over me, every time I would try to eat the voice would be there telling me 'you are fat, don't eat'. The voice would be with me all day and night, every time before bed I would be doing exercises, I wouldn't stop until the voice in my head would go. The voice in my head was like a bully, controlling your life and making you think things that aren't true. I would always look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusting, but everyone around me would tell me I was not fat. The voice in my head disagreed and would make me think that everyone was trying to make me fat. It was so hard at such a young age, I believed the voice in my head and I started to hate food. My mum would want to make me food but I would flip out and run to my room because I didn't want anything, my mum did get frustrated with me at times but that's what the anorexia wanted for me to fall out with everyone close to me. I did isolate myself from everyone and keep myself in my room, at one point I couldn't watch television when food programmes or food adverts were on. I found it too hard to look at food, even the smell of it made me feel sick. My taste buds all changed, I couldn't drink tea at one point as I thought it tasted horrible. I would weigh myself everyday,the numbers would scare me at times. My mum had to hide the scales from me at one point as weighing myself became a obsession. There was a point where I would wear a certain hoodie and jeans, I would live in them as they were baggy on me and I couldn't wear anything tight.

My periods stopped a few months after I stopped eating, but in my head I was happy because it showed I was losing weight. But now looking back I can see how dangerous it was and that I am lucky to be here today. It was scary not having periods, I didn't have any for over a year. When I was recovering they started back and I was happy when they did.

Anorexia or bulimia breaks families, it is hard on the person with the eating disorder but it is also really hard on the family. As I know that it caused many problems in my family, I remember my dad having to force feed me a banana but I wouldn't take it. He got really frustrated, I could see he was upset and I didn't want that. My mum would be crying, my siblings would also be frustrated of why I wasn't eating. They all helped me at my worst and I will always be grateful to them.

I hate having flashbacks of everything that happened, but sometimes it makes me a stronger person. It has also made me realise how far I have came over the past few years.

Gem x





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