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I am sorry that I haven't been updating my blog recently, at the moment I am struggling so I am taking a bit of a break from doing my blog but will be back soon.

Gem x

Ups and downs

The first year of being out of the unit was tough but I got through it. I had counselling every week, to discuss how I was doing and how I was feeling. I also had to be weighed every time I went so they could keep an eye on my weight. Every time they would say well done or tell me I'm looking good just made me feel like I was getting bigger, I still struggled with putting weight on. I told the doctors that I wanted to maintain my weight rather than gain, to this day it still panics me if I see my weight going up. My mum was told to hide the scales from me as I was obsessed with taking my weight. Sometimes now my mum will hide the scales from me as I still always check my weight, I still have issues with my body. I find it hard to enjoy what I am eating because I will feel guilty and start worrying that I have put on loads of weight. There were times in school I would compare myself to girls, I would be so jealous of how skinny they were.

I was put on a low dose of citalopram as my mood and the way I was feeling about myself got quite low. I'd never tell my friends how things were going as I felt ashamed and embarrassed. Most of my friends would be seeing boys or if we went out to under 17 night club events they would go with a boy. Sometimes I would feel so ugly as some boys would come to my friends and just blank me, I always felt like a freak and just not good enough. It did get me down, but I never truly showed it to my friends. All way through different secondary schools boys would be horrible to me and call me names. I did loose a lot of confidence through school as I was bullied from primary through to secondary school.

 It was coming up to nearly two years out of the unit and I was doing well with my eating, I would have my ups and downs. Sometimes after meals I would make myself sick because I felt so guilty for eating.There would also be days I would go without eating but I would pull myself together and force myself to eat,after being in the unit I learnt what anorexia does to your body. To this day I worry I have ruined my body, and always hope I will be able to have children. Anorexia can ruin your life, even when you recover you can still be left with different illnesses caused by anorexia as it damages inside of your body. After having anorexia I suffered with bowl problems, which anorexia can also cause. When you are really ill with a eating disorder you don't think of all the affects the illnesses can cause to your body then and in the future. All you can think about is loosing weight and skipping meals, you wonder why everyone around you is getting so frustrated. The reason is because they know all the issues anorexia/bulimia can cause. I am grateful I got help from the doctors, nurses and dietitians in the unit, I honestly don't know where I would be right now if I didn't get the help. At the time when you are so ill, you don't see the point of getting help but when you are slowly getting better you realise the point of getting help. It is a scary move admitting you have a problem and need help, but it is also a brave move.

There will be good days and there will be bad days but you have to believe in yourself.

Gem x

I am back

Hi guys sorry I haven't been up to date with the blog as I've had a few things going on but that's all sorted,so I am back to carry on telling my story about recovering and dealing with anorexia and depression.

The start of 2012 was much better than 2011, I was happier and was doing well. I started speaking to a boy near the end of 2011, and was still speaking to him coming into 2012. We had been speaking for a while, I never met up with him but we would video chat. He was the first boy I had properly spoken to.

A few months passed I didn't know where I stood with this boy as I found out he was speaking to other girls, I was really upset and felt so stupid. Even though I confronted him he would still talk to me but then he started going out with a girl which hurt me. From there I started going down hill, I became really depressed and would start cutting my arm again.(I will be going into more detail about my depression and how I coped further into my blog) I just had enough of everything, most of my friends were in relationships and I was getting messed around. Sometimes I would look at myself in the mirror and think how ugly I was and how fat I looked. I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling, I pretended like everything was fine. I moved on from that boy and just had fun with my friends.

Summer 2012
Me and my family travelled to Italy, we stayed over in London first then caught the euro-star to France. We stayed in France for three nights, then moved onto Switzerland. I was quite car sick for most of the journey but managed to sleep some of it. After spending three nights in Switzerland we travelled up to Italy, we were all excited to get there and to be in the sun.
After hours of travelling we finally arrived at euro-camp in Italy. I was so happy to be away and in the sun, I managed to forget most things and relaxed. I remember me and my three siblings learnt how to make pasta from fresh, which was quite hard to do but we all enjoyed it. Travelling to Italy was one of my best holidays and I will always remember the memories.

I did have a few ups and downs through out the holiday but I managed to get through it and enjoy time with my family. At one point  was anxious about wearing a bikini, but we weren't allowed to wear tops in the pool. I pushed myself to wear my bikini, it was hard but I did it. It was hard walking around in a bikini at start, I would hold my belly as I felt so conscious and would think everyone was looking.

Everything was so different that summer compared to the last one, I managed to eat what I liked and enjoyed it. I felt like I was finally in control not the anorexia and voices. My life was finally getting back on track. The two weeks flew by in Italy, we had a long travel home with stops in Switzerland and France for a night or two. Arriving home was nice, as I missed being in contact with my friends and had a few days left of summer to enjoy with my friends.

My next post will be tomorrow evening I promise
Gem x

The end of 2011

September 2011
This month was my next big step, the day I started at my new school. I was excited but nervous at the same time, the teachers introduced me to a girl in my registration class. She was really nice and showed me where to go, I recognized a few people that I went to primary school with. At that point I was quite anxious to go to them incase they didn't recognize me. The first day went well, I made a few friends and got on well with the teachers.


Few months went by and I was really enjoying school, I had came off my meal plan in that time. At first I found it difficult because I had a routine and ate certain food. It was hard eating normally again as I was anxious about putting on weight. I had told nobody in school about my past as I was scared they wouldn't want to be my friend anymore. Eventually I told the girls I was friends with and they were very supportive. There was a time in school that I struggled to eat and left some but my friend noticed and made sure I ate it all. After eating all of the meal I felt really guilty and anxious, but that passed.


I did a lot with my friends out side of school which I hadn't done in years, as I isolated myself from everyone. My family were really happy about my progress and were happy I was socializing with friends. 


Christmas 2011
I broke up for the Christmas holidays, it was my first Christmas after recovering. The Christmas before wasn't enjoyable as I was watching what I ate and didn't enjoy the Christmas dinner. That year I was looking forward to being able to eat Christmas dinner. Christmas day arrived, I was looking forward to spending it with my family and enjoying it . We sat down for dinner and I managed to eat it all and I enjoyed it. After a bit I did feel a bit guilty but I fought through those anorexic thoughts. It was a good Christmas, I had my struggles but I got through them with the help of my family.


New Years Eve 2011
I was so happy that New Years Eve arrived, I couldn't wait to say goodbye to 2011.
2011 was a difficult year for me and my family, but we all got through it together. Going through anorexia was very difficult not just for me but for my family too. It affected them a lot, there were times I would feed my little sister up and compare myself to her. Which did ruin our relationship at the time, the anorexia came between me and my family. They all stuck by my side and helped me get through it, I couldn't have done it without all their support.


I celebrated with my family, we all managed to stay up till midnight and see in the new year.We were all happy to see the back of that year, I was excited to start fresh in 2012.


I will be going more into detail about the way anorexia affected me physically and mentally, and how it affected my family. Further into my blog I will be going into my battle and continuing battle with depression and anxiety.


That's all for today but make sure to come back tomorrow evening to read how I began 2012.

The new plan

After just over three months of being an inpatient in the unit my parents decided to take me out of there as I wasn't getting any better and was picking up tricks. It was difficult getting better at home, I found it easier to get away with stuff. I would weigh myself every time my family went out and I would exercise in my bedroom when everyone was asleep.

I remember feeling so low that I didn't want to live anymore, I thought of ending my life but the thing that stopped me was my family. I couldn't think of putting them through that. Sometimes I would get so low I would harm myself, I would get something sharp and cut my arm where nobody could see. At that point it just got me through the hard times. I knew people would say stuff if they saw the scars so I would wear long sleeved tops most of the time. My mum took me to CAMHS (child adolescent mental health services) to see my counsellor Doctor Ing, I admitted to self harming and that I was struggling. The Doctor increased my dosage of antidepressants as he could see I wasn't doing so well.

Few weeks passed by I started to think positive again and wanted to get better,as I could see it was ruining our family and because I wanted a life again. My mum and Dr Ing decided to get in touch with the unit to see if there was any chance of me becoming an outpatient. The unit agreed, I was happy and determined to get better. Everyday I would go into the unit for 9 and leave at 4, I was still following my meal plan from the unit. All my food had to get weighed as I was on a having a certain amount of calories. It got to the point where I was scared to come off the meal plan and start eating normal again. The nurses would talk me through it all and told me it would take time but I would get there. I felt like there was light at the end of the tunnel, I was ready to fight anorexia.

I remember sitting down with Doctor Glaze and my mum, I asked him 'when will I be free from anorexia?' I didn't get the answer I wanted he replied 'I am afraid anorexia will always be with you deep inside just it will be easier to control, you will have good and bad days'. Back then I didn't really understand what he meant by it will always be with me.

Now I do understand what he meant, as everyday I overthink about what i ate in the day, some days I will watch what I eat and other days I won't.I get my struggles still but I always fight through them, I will never really have a healthy relationship with food like I used to before I got ill. The anorexia or anorexic thoughts will always be with me but I have learnt to be strong and fight them.

I was getting better being a outpatient in the unit, the next step was going back to secondary school. As I couldn't just stay at home, so me and my mum had a meeting with the headmaster in the school I was going to attend. We discussed everything with him, and decided I would start school in September. There was mixed emotions about going back to school but I was also excited. Everyone at the unit was proud of me and of how far I came.

After just under a year of being in and out of the unit, 31st of August 2011 was my last day at the unit as a patient. My next big step was taking control without help of doctors and nurses.

There are no photos of me when my anorexia was at its worst as I didn't really like taking photos back then but below are some photos of me throughout my recovery.

           

All feedback is appreciated and make sure to spread the word about this blog if you know anyone who may find this blog useful. To stay up to date with all my posts and keep track of my story, be sure to follow me on Google Plus.

I am away tomorrow but check out my blog Monday evening to read the next part of my story.