The new plan

After just over three months of being an inpatient in the unit my parents decided to take me out of there as I wasn't getting any better and was picking up tricks. It was difficult getting better at home, I found it easier to get away with stuff. I would weigh myself every time my family went out and I would exercise in my bedroom when everyone was asleep.

I remember feeling so low that I didn't want to live anymore, I thought of ending my life but the thing that stopped me was my family. I couldn't think of putting them through that. Sometimes I would get so low I would harm myself, I would get something sharp and cut my arm where nobody could see. At that point it just got me through the hard times. I knew people would say stuff if they saw the scars so I would wear long sleeved tops most of the time. My mum took me to CAMHS (child adolescent mental health services) to see my counsellor Doctor Ing, I admitted to self harming and that I was struggling. The Doctor increased my dosage of antidepressants as he could see I wasn't doing so well.

Few weeks passed by I started to think positive again and wanted to get better,as I could see it was ruining our family and because I wanted a life again. My mum and Dr Ing decided to get in touch with the unit to see if there was any chance of me becoming an outpatient. The unit agreed, I was happy and determined to get better. Everyday I would go into the unit for 9 and leave at 4, I was still following my meal plan from the unit. All my food had to get weighed as I was on a having a certain amount of calories. It got to the point where I was scared to come off the meal plan and start eating normal again. The nurses would talk me through it all and told me it would take time but I would get there. I felt like there was light at the end of the tunnel, I was ready to fight anorexia.

I remember sitting down with Doctor Glaze and my mum, I asked him 'when will I be free from anorexia?' I didn't get the answer I wanted he replied 'I am afraid anorexia will always be with you deep inside just it will be easier to control, you will have good and bad days'. Back then I didn't really understand what he meant by it will always be with me.

Now I do understand what he meant, as everyday I overthink about what i ate in the day, some days I will watch what I eat and other days I won't.I get my struggles still but I always fight through them, I will never really have a healthy relationship with food like I used to before I got ill. The anorexia or anorexic thoughts will always be with me but I have learnt to be strong and fight them.

I was getting better being a outpatient in the unit, the next step was going back to secondary school. As I couldn't just stay at home, so me and my mum had a meeting with the headmaster in the school I was going to attend. We discussed everything with him, and decided I would start school in September. There was mixed emotions about going back to school but I was also excited. Everyone at the unit was proud of me and of how far I came.

After just under a year of being in and out of the unit, 31st of August 2011 was my last day at the unit as a patient. My next big step was taking control without help of doctors and nurses.

There are no photos of me when my anorexia was at its worst as I didn't really like taking photos back then but below are some photos of me throughout my recovery.

           

All feedback is appreciated and make sure to spread the word about this blog if you know anyone who may find this blog useful. To stay up to date with all my posts and keep track of my story, be sure to follow me on Google Plus.

I am away tomorrow but check out my blog Monday evening to read the next part of my story.