Difficult times in the unit

Few weeks after being ill with pneumonia I started struggling and picking up new tricks from other patients. At that point I no longer wanted to get better, I had lost hope. Knowing I had put on weight had started to get to me, I really didn't want to put anymore weight on.

Every meal time started to get harder, I would start to take my time eating again. I would start crying because I didn't want to eat and was scared. The nurses would sit and watch me eat, I hid food in my mouth but the nurses caught me out and would take me back to the dining room to swallow the food. My mum was informed that I was struggling and picking up new tricks from patients. She told me if I carried on she would take me out of the unit and get me better at home.

Days would past by where I would wish I wasn't alive, I would rather die than eat. I banged my head several times, a bruise appeared on my forehead. My mum was not happy and knew I was copying other patients. It took a while for the bruise to go down, below is a photo of me in the unit a few days after i bruised my head. The photo was taken by another patient, that day I was going on holiday with my family as the doctors and my mum thought it would do me good to get away from the unit.

I didn't want to go on holiday but my mum wanted me to go as I was picking up tricks from other patients. All throughout the holiday I just kept to myself and pushed my family away. Today I can see that I ruined that holiday as I was difficult and nobody could really relax. Before I used to love going on family holidays, but back then I didn't enjoy the holiday. I just wanted to go back to the unit I wanted to hide away. I remember having loads of arguments with members of the family, nobody could understand why I didn't want to get better anymore. Deep down I was drained from everything, I was tired of pretending everything would get better. The photo shows me smiling but that smile hid a lot of emotions, I felt trapped in my own body. The holiday was nearly over and I was excited to get back to the unit, looking back now it wasn't healthy how excited it was to go back to the unit.

I arrived back at the unit, from that day things got worse.


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